Carpe That Fucking Diem

I should probably just start a blog.

I’m not usually a person who deals with their feelings. My emotions are everywhere all the time, i don’t know if im happy or sad half the time, or why i feel a certain way. I’m a nutcase, i throw tantrums and then 5 minutes later im laughing uncontrollably. I cover up how sad and broken i am with either anger or happiness. I become a pro at covering up how i really feel. Trying to conceal how much im breaking, and the only person who can fix me, gives up so quickly. But, today was really the first time I felt something and i knew exactly what it was and why i felt that way. It was because of him. I kept making myself ignore everything bad about him, everything that hurt me just because i thought loving him was enough. That my love for him was bigger than anything. The problem was, he didn’t think the same. Or he failed to show it. Which is probably worse. I’ve always made myself clear to him whenever i felt sad, i would always tell him that hes doing something wrong. Or when i was happy i made damn sure he knew he was the reason behind my happiness. But, he never seemed to change, never showed that he actually listened to me, never took my feelings seriously.

He got lazy, thinking that i was always going to be there for him. When yeah, even now, i make myself try and hate him, that even now amidst it all, i would still be there for him. Even though that love and care was never reciprocated. I was never put first, which may be my fault, I let him put work, school etc in front of me…cause i always thought about him before me. Put HIM first. not me. I was always second. Even now, we’re broken up, i ended it and im still making excuses for him! I would always bail on my friends so much more than he ever knew of, i would say he needed me, that i didn’t want to leave him. I wouldn’t go into work just because i wanted to be with him, to make sure he was happy. 

I’ve never wanted anything more than love.I practically yearned for it. I never wasted time on random guys, i waited for the right person, and told myself that when he does come along it would be worth the wait. He would be worth it. So, when he did, i threw everything i had into it. 

I’ve just wanted to know that i was special, like any other girl would want. A equal love. Where you didn’t have to always shower each other with love and affection because you would know by the little things. Thats where he failed massively. I stupidly would always let these things slide. But, I realised why should I?! Why should I settle for less when he gets everything. Looking back the idea of him was so much better than the reality of who he really was.

I just need to stop loving him, wanting him, waiting, expecting something- a declaration of love. Waiting for something…which is never going to happen. See, this happens to me a lot, I give a lot to the people i love, my family, friends and him. I will always go above and beyond. Thinking that when i need support or help they will be there for me. Instead I am met with voicemails, unanswered text messages, reasons for why they couldn’t be there instead of a sincere apology.I guess this is just a massive learning curve, and i know i will get stronger, and that this will just a mistake and the right person will come along one day. 

Hopefully. 

heart ache.

Never thought I would feel this way. I just wish I had the strength to leave because I know it’s the right thing, that’s there’s more to come in my life. It’s just hard to let go. How can I love someone who doesn’t even know how to love me. He never really understood what he would do to make me sad and the littlest things that would make me smile for days. I see it in other relationships but I guess that’s because they found the one. Perhaps he isn’t the one. I just wish it didn’t have to hurt this much, that he would understand what he’s doing to me.